“This is NOT working!” I heard myself scowl in a loud whisper. I stomped downstairs, threw down my book and tried to rearrange the furniture in the living room.
Waking up early doesn’t much in my home. It means rushing through prayers because I spent too much time in praise and worship, and forcing myself to crank out a devotional before my day begins, and making sure that every animal in the house has been completely satisfied. All the while my husband sleeps soundly in bed while our son is bounce-walking his crib all over his bedroom. The second Tavin hears mommy’s feet touch the floor in the morning, he pops up, ready to go. And I feel my chest fall in despair.
My prayer room is not working. It’s upstairs right off of our bedroom. The second I sit down in my comfy recliner, pull the down-throw over my tootsies, and grab my book to read, my 16-year old dog decides he’s going to wake up, too, and paces the floor until I huff and puff, throw off the throw, slam down my book, put my slippers back on and paddle downstairs again to let him out. By this time, Tavin’s in his room: “Mommy! Mommy? MOMMY!!??”
Just an hour. An hour of uninterrupted TAG. An hour of silence. An hour of… And we’re supposed to “tithe” at least 2.5 hours to prayer. I can barely get in an hour!
Inner chaos. “Forgive me, Lord, especially for my tendency to create inner chaos.” (Notes next to this: anger, frustration, resentment, fly off the handle.) So right here and now, I’m confessing my sin.
Today’s message seemed urgent to me, because my mom is suffering from recurring breast cancer. I’ve been praying for a complete healing, desperately trying to cling to the idea that God will restore her. With that said, I was under major attack this morning just trying to get through the Guided Prayer. It took me a half hour to make it past the second paragraph.
I just wanted some peace and quiet! I closed the French doors in the living room, tried to face the sofa in front of the window so I could “reflect”, but instead, I found countless crayons, toys and other various “stuff” behind the couch and began to clean and put things away. “This won’t do!” I said in defeat and moved the sofa back.
God, please forgive me. This is ridiculous. I just want peace for a few minutes to make it through today’s assignment. Please God…
And as I began to read, I rested my head on the back of the sofa and heard…nothing. Silence. Quiet. Peace… Thank You, Lord. And my day was readjusted, just like that! I wrote my NOTE TO SELF blog, and thankfully had notes I made last night, and allowed Jared to get Tavin out of bed and play upstairs for a while until I was done.
About a half hour later, after Tavin had his breakfast and the day was proceeding without my permission, Jared came up to me as I was making my second iced coffee for the day. Earlier I was going to scold him for putting all of his clean, folded clothes on the floor, RIGHT IN FRONT of the dresser, but thought twice about it (she brings him good, not bad). So he asked me, “What were you going to say earlier?” And instead of telling him that I can’t get to the dresser with all of his clothes on the floor, I smiled and said, “I bring you good, not bad all the days of your life.” And he chuckled. “You know,” he said, “I’ve noticed ever since you started this Proverbs 31 book that there is a change in me. I have more faith and I’m learning how to honor my mother and father. I just wanted you to know that I see the change in you, and it has changed me, too.”
I think I’ll end my blog there. On a good note…not bad.
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